Music ! ♥

just a little confession~

hey
been reading covers of magazines
saw this sentence from Women's weekly mag:
"my mother-in-law burn my face with bleach."
(if I'm not wrong with this sentence..but heck, you get the whole sentence right?)
I was shocked!
which mother-in-law would do such a thing?
basically
this victim went to sue her mother-in-law
and got a sum of $105, 000
which is good and bad
good is that she's got a compensation
bad is for the husnabd/son
this is the worse caught-in-the-middle situation I could've imagined
with mother unlikely to forgive her daughter-in-law for sueing her
I believe her wife is more than happy to cast her mother-in-law out of her memory
so what can the husband/son do?
nothing
nothing at all
cos if he side his mother (who did the wrong thing)
he could've lost his wife
but if he sides his wife for getting her justice done (maybe the money comes from him)
it would've considered unfilial
and tongues will wag
conclusion: do nothing and let nature takes its course
which is the saddest and most effective situation you could've think of

then I went to dearie's house
this siao guy tried to commit suicide
he sound like he was desperate
desperate to get out of his life
apparently one woman was injured after plunging down from the five storey flat like abt 7-8pm?
n this lunatic guy was screaming
it was intense
and the civil servant was kinda slow?
cos this whole thing
from the woman to this desperate guy
lasted about 1 hour
they have to create this big balloon thing (din know what its called)
just in case that lunatic guy intend to jump out of his flat
and some net to catch the guy in case he jump out of the flat
that guy
put his sofa vertically onto the door
so as to prevent the civil servants to get into his house
windows locked and closed
n he keeps banging his windows
obviously he looks desperate in that situation
cos when u're desperate
u bang and throw things
there were police cars, ambulances and (if I'm not wrong) fire engines
loads of reporters
and people who were watching this real drama (including me)
in the end
they got him after force-open his door
pushed the sofa
and tie him
those nets or that balloon thing werent used
dearie said they were used for precaution only
just in case he decided to jump
well
whatever it is
the net and the balloon took the most time
that guy could've been nab within 1/2hr?
since there were one casualty
(that woman who landed after plunging from the five-storey-high flat)
he could've just jump and die
which he din
he just shut his windows and doors
when they caught him
dearie was like cheering with the rest of the crowd
well
his cheer was the loudest
cos there was a loud echo which could be heard few blocks away

but finally
I came to this question:
why does he wanna make such a fuss on his miserable life?
not everyone's life is perfect
and isnt he embarrassed by making such a fuss outta it?
some have good boss and some dont
so it doesnt mean that u get the best job u r enjoying life
some have jerks as bf and some dont
so it doesnt mean that having a bf is a good thing
some are pretty and some dont
so it doesnt mean that pretty faces have the best things in life
some are rich and some dont
so it doesnt mean that rich people doesnt have problematic family issues
there are always some flaws in your life that others cant see
when you start complaining about your life
maybe you should think about how much others want to take over your life

I thought of death even before I reached Primary school
life wasnt that fantastic for me
or rather
I believe I wasnt properly brought up
when things go wrong
blame will always on me
maybe hence I came to have this habit that if things go wrong
it's always my fault
that applies to my MP too
I'm just trying to make things right for myself
I dont like to blame myself
so I try my best
or do nothing at all
but still
in every situation
things will always go wrong
and at that point of time
I always tell myself
"maybe it's because I din do this"
"I should've not done that"
self-blaming will always be the first thing in my mind
even though its not my fault

then I came across this word today:
"self-loathing"
I asked dearie wad that word means
n he said its a term to describe people who dislike themselves
and one more thing he added,
"u r always self-loathing"
cos I always say things like "I'm useless"
or "I have nothing to offer to anyone, much less a society"
or "I dont think I have any good points for myself"
yeah
maybe I've reached an extreme stage of self-loathing
praises seem very important to me
cos it's something that can tell myself how much I'm worth or something
but unfortunately
I find that people donr say it seriously
or maybe sometimes they just say it sarcastically
or maybe my self-loath really reached some kinda extreme whereby whatever nice words that come out verbally or from writing materials just doesnt help
is there a nid to prove myself?
I'm not so sure

but whatever it is
life still has got some offers for me
too much that I would really wanna try every single one of them
some events that you need in order to tell yourself that you have truely lived
so I'm not gonna die early
cos I wanna experienced that
and my funerary urn can encraved something like "truely-lived in this world from 1984 - xxxx"
because I leave this place in honor and happiness
not sorrows and stuff that I wish I could've done
hmmm
why the hell am I talking about death when my b'dae is coming?

anyway
thats just personal thoughts
I've stopped saying that I wanna die for more than a decade
to think that I tried to suffocate myself when everyone was slping
though I really hated my life
but at the same time
I'm always trying to make the best out of it
if life is that bad
why there are some people who can live and die happily?
think about that
ciaoz~

Joelle`*